Talking Clock!!!

CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ass-hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

At least i got to tell you i Love you r.i.p.

the hardest thing about someone you love dieing isnt nessecarily the parts you would think of

of course its hard when you cry because of the death, the calling hours, the final viewing, and the mass

but what is the worst is how your at a home full of family just like it used to be talking n having a good time so for a split second you turn around to look for them but then you remember they are gone

='(

i miss my gramma

I HEART YOU and sexy underwear

just saw the movie Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and matt said theyd be together forever now bc she got he first O from him haha

n i asked if he would keep me forever

he said hmm ill have to think about that...only if you tell me you love me

=) wonder where he got that from

Church wars (war of words)

This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern town, between the Catholic church and a (fundamentalist) Presbyterian church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time

The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously!




~what they say...cc=catholic church and pc=presbyterian church

*cc-"all dogs go to heaven"

*pc-"only humans go to heaven read the bible"

*cc-"god loves all his creations dogs included

*pc-dogs dont have souls this is not open for debate

*cc-catholic dogs go to heaven presbyterian dogs can talk to their pastor

*pc-converting to catholocism does not magically grant your dog a soul

*cc-free dog souls with conversion

*pc-dogs are animals there aren't any rocks in heaven either

*cc-all rocks go to heaven

funny story

"a kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because i pissed in its ear and it didnt move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "i leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didnt move.""


lol that amused me =P

say i love you...alot...ppl forget

What Love means to a 4-8 year old Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babies. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be togethe r and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watchin g me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4

' When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of y ou.' (what an image) Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8

And the final one The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Squirrels!!!

There were Five country churches in Hanging Dog, North Carolina:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will .


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.


The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Good advice and beautiful pictures!

An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.


6. Simplify and unclutter your life.


7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.


16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19 Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.


25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .'

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33 Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU

(sounds good to me except the bible parts =P)

wishes

1) i wish there was brownie mix or at least cookie dough in my house

2) i wish i could kiddnap lisa (she has brownie mix at her house)

3) i wish we had our own house and that he was just in the next room so i could sneek in then runn n jump on/tackle him just to tell him i love him }=) then run out claiming im tired n going to bed =D


fun fun fun...now where can i find some food???

34 reasons to have sex =)

lol i found this thing on the welcome screen of aol listing these so i felt the need to blog it for future reference =D
::::::::::

"Do the nasty. Knock boots. Bump uglies. Shag. Schtupp. Boff. Boink. For every silly nickname we use for sex, there's a totally legit reason why you should be having more of it. To prove our point, we've pulled together a comprehensive list of the mind-boggling benefits of hitting the sheets. From boosting your immune system to releasing aggression, here are the many ways it pays to play dirty.


1. Shag your guy's ticker into shape. According to a study at Queens University in Belfast, men who have sex three or more times a week can cut their risk of heart attack in half.

2. According to that same study, regular romps will also halve your man's chances of suffering a stroke.

3. Work off that Rice Krispies Treat without hitting the treadmill. One 30-minute roll in the hay burns about 200 calories.

4. Curb irritability. "Tactile stimulation soothes nerves," says Evelyn Resh, M.P.H., certified nurse midwife and director of health services at Canyon Ranch spa in Lenox, Massachusetts.

5. Kick colds to the curb. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that having sex once or twice a week boosts the immune system by 30 percent.

6. I Skip the Botox. In his book, Secrets of the Superyoung, neurophysiologist David Weeks, M.D., of Scotland's Royal Edinburgh Hospital, writes: "An active sex life slows the aging process."

7. Get more z's. A little sensual massage followed by some dancing in the sheets releases sleep-inducing endorphins.

8. Wake up and smell the roses. Post-romp, you'll experience a surge in the hormone prolactin, which develops new neurons in the brain's olfactory bulb, improving your sense of smell.

9. Watch a Lost DVD marathon without constant bathroom breaks. Sex tones the pelvic muscles that support your uterus, bladder, and bowel, meaning better pee control.

10. No pain, all gain. Right after your big O, you'll be practically swimming in oxytocin (we're talking a seriously intense surge). The overload releases endorphins, which help alleviate pain from arthritis and -- hallelujah! -- menstrual cramps.

11. Put more pep in your step. Rhode Island-based relationship expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., says that women absorb some of the testosterone men secrete in their ejaculate. The payoff: "The increased testosterone can have energy-boosting effects in women."

12. Blow him away in your bikini. According to researchers, regular shagging can tighten your tummy...and firm your bum.

13. Aunt Flow, we meet again. Endocrinologists at Columbia and Stanford universities found that women who have sex at least once a week have more-regular menstrual cycles than those who do it once in a blue moon.

14. Forget flowers and the flat-screen: Sex is an easier (and cheaper) way to make up after a fight.

15. Improve your communication skills. Speaking up about what's working (or not) in the sack can help you express yourself in other parts of your life.

16. Sex can trigger the onset of labor when you're at term. "Semen contains prostaglandins," Resh says. "When they're against the cervix, prostaglandins help it dilate and induce natural labor."

17. Getting busy on the regular can improve your flexibility.

18. Love the skin you're in. For some people, gettin' busy can boost body image, Resh says.

19. Yes, tonight, honey--I have a headache. Recent studies have shown that doing the horizontal hustle can bring temporary headache relief.

20. Add your share of smut to the girls' night cocktail chatter. Even bad sex is fun to dish about.

21. Use it or lose it. Says marriage therapist Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Wife: "The more you have sex, the more likely you'll be to continue to produce testosterone, one of the primary hormones responsible for sexual desire."

22. Give your guy a helping hand. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, the more he ejaculates, the less likely he is to develop prostate cancer.

23. Strengthen your core -- it's like Pilates without the annoyingly perfect instructor.

24. "Increase the amount and quality of cuddle time," says psychologist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D, a professor at the University of Missouri. "The best comes immediately after the orgasm."

25. "Good sex creates more love each time," Mintz says. "That's why it's called 'making love.'"

26. Best excuse in the world for pricey, pretty, frilly, silky lingerie.

27. Two words: "I'm preggers!"

28. Feel the power. "When things go well in the bed and you're pleasing your partner," says San Francisco sex therapist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., founder of MyPleasure.com, "you feel more confident and powerful in other parts of your life."

29. Activate your taste buds. "Your sensitivities are heightened after sexual intercourse," Gardos says. "That bottle of wine or chocolate bar will taste even better."

30. Stir creative juices. "When people are together long-term, sex can become boring," Resh says. "Coming up with new ways to keep things interesting improves the imagination."

31. Seriously pissed? Instead of screaming your head off, save your voice and have sex. It's a great way to release tension.

32. Take him to your level. According to family therapist Michael Gurian, author of What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works, the one time a man's oxytocin level can match ours is after his happy ending.

33. Vitalize the vag. Increases in blood flow to the pelvis keep the oven in good order, says Lana Holstein, M.D., managing director of sexuality programs at Miraval Resort.

34. Come on, do you really need a reason?

I WIN

hahahaha im still insane but i totally win the bet WOOT WOOT im winning in all kinda ways


now what should my prize be???

spread the stupidity

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ..do people order Double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ....do we leave cars Worth thousands of dollars in the Driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ..do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,But darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when They are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,Why do they call the airport the terminal?

we dont know our aminals

shopping is FUN haha at kohls, petsmart, joann fabrics, furniture store, random store...:

at petsmart looking for a bubble fish (which if they pop they die!!)
*ohh look a pig!
*lmfao lisa thats a frog!!!

we for sure need to go back to joann fabrics for funnn stuff lol i love craftsss =)

at furniture store trying out couches (the big ones are best)
oo look at that chair its round (both sprint over and sit) ahh/oooo it spins!! hehe
lisa*this would be fun to have sex in
me* LISA! haha yea ur right!!

sitting in chairs
lisa*that looks like a turtle (looks closer)
*nope its a pig!!

walking out
*o look another duck!(its not a duck)
*u mean pig??

random store
looking at bath stuff n toys
*the shark has grills...i mean gills

me*oo look a fish ah i mean frog (its a rubber duck)
lisa* hahaha its not even a fish!!

me*ahhh we needa go home

lisa*its like the south here!

mk byess
lol i swear we r going insane!! that or we just need to relearn out aminals mhmm

facebook

This guy will try to make all your dreams come true. DO NOT LOOSE THIS ONE. hes one to hold on too him as long as you can. He will always supprise you and make you feel loved like no other

i did a fave book quiz n thts what i got =)

glitter-graphics.com

glitter-graphics.com

Fun Stuff at Steak & Shake

lol on our way home from New York we stoped at steak and shake...

the kids menus had these story things where you are sposed to have the person next to u say a verb or noun or whatever it tells u...

so heres our storys hahah (the italisized and bold words are the ones we filled in)

1) Written by Mike and Shannon
A Manly man came into steak n shake, removed his green underwear, and said in a gayass voice, "i am gourmet, and i want to eat 10 bowls of dick with x-tra cum on top. To drink i want a ton of pussy fluid" The guy at the grill fuck-ed with his bowtie and said"how about a steakburger and a milk shake?" "stupid idea," said the gourmet, piss-ing with happiness.

2) Written by me jen n chris
A big, well dressed lady with a giant dick on her head came run-ing into steak n shake."Hello, all youwonderful vaginas, Im here to present the award for the City's best sweatshirt" She opened a house, took out a bed, and handed it to a little server. "heres your trophey. Congradualtions," she said, applauding and excitely jump-ing. Then she went back outside, got in her chair and left.


lol i always have fun when im with the family =)

New York Madness!!!!

sooo ive been in Ellicottville New York since Thursday in Holiday Valley for skiing…fun fun
lol but its been “festive”
first of all bc of how many ppl are here

~in condo 12
me dad paul janet Madison n mason
~in condo 10
since thursday-jen chris Kirsten mike chris tyler Shannon craig
since Friday- “” + Kelly and Tim
since Saturday- “” +Kelly yearick and her bf

and there are these diary things that your sposed to write about your stay in the condo in

our entrys our pretty sweet hahahahahha lmao here they are word for word:

2/14/08 – Condo is great! However, our 1st night the boiler broke and the downstairs hallway was flooded and we had no heat :( And…our keys wouldn’t open the outside storage closet. Luckily we knew the people next door and we used their storage. Besides that everything has been wonderful!
-The Rohrs
-The Finleys
-Baus -sherman
-Yearick
-Chaido & Slattery
-Boesel


2-16-08
The condo is still great, however when we went to wash our clothes we discovered only about 20 minutes later the washer hose was not attached. So now that the floor was almost dry from the boiler it is now soaked again. We fixed it. And I’m glad we all have our snow boots, because anytime we go downstairs we have to put them on!

-Yearick -Boesel Rohrs -Sherman -Chaido& Slattery -Baus Finleys

2-16-08
Dear Diary,
it is now 10:15 and we are afraid to go downstairs because the heat in our room does not work.
We also forgot our boots down stairs and ran out of dry socks. However our 1yr. is stuck down there and doesn’t know how to swim so we may never see her again. We hope she doesn’t freeze or drown to death!!!

Pray for us
Rohrs Finleys Baus’ -sherman

The Rohrs are upstairs and they are working on another kid since theirs is stuck in the flood, We are still enjoying ourselves!


2-16-08

10:38 -I an very scared my son just came back from skiing came up to say hi took off his shoes and unknowly ran downstairs.

P.S. I haven’t heard from him since

-Baus -Rohr -Finley –Sherman

P.S.S.He did take swim class in school!

2-17-08
· 1am…. our friends just got here 2 hours ago-it took them 12 hours from New York City! They made good timing.

· at 1:15 a.m. I did turn on the radio at a low setting so as not to disturb the sleeping children and as I walked away to pick up my beer there was a sudden change in the volume it was noticeably louder and as it woke the freezing child we discovered she was barely hanging on to life so thanks to all who prayed
p.s. Jen & Chris can wait to make another child!
Thanks

· 1:27 all the socks are wet!!!

· 1:45 – we are trying to play the “asshole” game and we were rudely interrupted by the dishwasher.…..and the game resumes!

· 2:00a.m.We were so upset about all the mishaps from the condo during a friendly game of cards we almost threw down! this is not ok I hope we don’t kill each other.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I LOVE SKIING
and our Ghetto^ass Condo!
that we love!

2:30am
Fuck …. Now we are out of fucking toilet paper!

PS crabs are jumpey fuckers!

Red Lobster

(crossed out with a big X)
The heat of the meat is not proportionate to the angle of

(crossed out with a line)
The heat of the m

(normal)
The angle of the dangle is not proportionate to the heat of the meat ….. is fucked up by the broken heater!

-and we have fucking fly’s

2-17-08
Condo was great beside the fan on the boiler that kept me up threw the night. And everything else that was said.

2-17-08
it is the last night and the condo had its ups and downs but we did have a good time over all!
Baus Sherman Finley Rohr

2-17-08
I had a great time during this trip. We did a lot of things, had a lot of fun, and learned new things. It was like a soap opera with all the problems in the condo: several floods, non working utilities, and no quick service when it comes to fixing them. still, I had a great time and will come back.
Paul Sherman

2-17-08
The condo was great except for the Great Flood and the interruptions during our card game… skiing was a ton of fun- will have to try snowboarding next year- except when it started raining…~but the repair services suck…& I think that we should be aloud to go in the pool/hottub at the hotel.
-Errrka Sherman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anddd none of that prolly made any sence but o well haha it was great....

~thursday we got there-i got drunk(paul was pissed because he missed it)
~friday i had a hangover but fun skiing
~saturday got completly wasted (thanks to the game asshole)(again paul was fucking pissed because he missed it n still has never seen me drunk) =)
~sunday i had the worst hangover in my life! n then had an awsome time skiing with abby n then mike n paul n the twins n craig

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im soo happy to be home i missed everyone and matt soo much =P

~erika

forever ago to my twinny

sooooo guess wht!!!!!!!!!
budha budha budha
sounds lik u said putah!!
well maybe i said budha putah!
well yea bc u nooo budha went to putah to get blueberry pudding!
nd budha road a panda to balese to see putah
because putah is budhas favorite pfriend
nd budha like pudding thts blueberry from putah
DUHHHHHHHHHH EVERYBODY NOS THT!!!!!!!!!
ahahahahahah lmao iluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu twiny we r deffinatly special nd ur friend dustin orr his friends or i hav no FLUCKING clue who it was but whts his face thinks im weird GRERRR thts not nice!!! i think hes jus jealous of my specialness nd special skills at making up realyyyyyy intresting convos (or at least half the time...the rest ther jus kinda pointless nd involve alot of swearing to budha putah the makers of blueberry pudding...(nd coming soon putah borrowed blackberrys from budha nd his panda ahhhh))) soooo u no u love me nd even tho we got completly lost trying to find the DLAMN lake tht we didnt find n jus drove fer 2 hours fer no reason n ended up visiting megan nd wht not (funstuff) nd not watching a scary movie but the dark really scares me grrrrrr n guess wht nuthin i jus said made NE sence at allll hahaha i winnnnnnnn hahaha sooo guess wht we learned today!!!:
1)never take directions from ryan
2)never let errrka hav excedrin bc she gets hyper n starts goin off bout budha
3)its my party n ill cry if i want to
N4!!MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
derrrrrr hahahahahaha iluuuuuu mk im done
HAPPY BIRFDAY MY DEAR TWINNY (( nd u better come up to canton fer myn mmmk? mk. good))) ♥♥♥Erika♥ the budhist putist cutist twiny in the worldd haha iluuuuu
MICHAEL JACKSON(is weird duhh)