Gotta Pee

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect
the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

Ollie and Sven

Ollie and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ollie for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ollie, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ollie.'
Could I see him?'
Ollie opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ollie,
'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!
'Ollie answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Talking Clock!!!

CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ass-hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

At least i got to tell you i Love you r.i.p.

the hardest thing about someone you love dieing isnt nessecarily the parts you would think of

of course its hard when you cry because of the death, the calling hours, the final viewing, and the mass

but what is the worst is how your at a home full of family just like it used to be talking n having a good time so for a split second you turn around to look for them but then you remember they are gone

='(

i miss my gramma

I HEART YOU and sexy underwear

just saw the movie Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and matt said theyd be together forever now bc she got he first O from him haha

n i asked if he would keep me forever

he said hmm ill have to think about that...only if you tell me you love me

=) wonder where he got that from

Church wars (war of words)

This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern town, between the Catholic church and a (fundamentalist) Presbyterian church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time

The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously!




~what they say...cc=catholic church and pc=presbyterian church

*cc-"all dogs go to heaven"

*pc-"only humans go to heaven read the bible"

*cc-"god loves all his creations dogs included

*pc-dogs dont have souls this is not open for debate

*cc-catholic dogs go to heaven presbyterian dogs can talk to their pastor

*pc-converting to catholocism does not magically grant your dog a soul

*cc-free dog souls with conversion

*pc-dogs are animals there aren't any rocks in heaven either

*cc-all rocks go to heaven

funny story

"a kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because i pissed in its ear and it didnt move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "i leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didnt move.""


lol that amused me =P